Miscarrying sucks.

Well, the afore-mentioned spotting finally turned to bleeding, then to horrendous cramping.  Like menstrual cramping times ten.  Like early labor, except without a break between contractions.  I took a hot shower which helped for a while, and now I'm sitting up on the computer in the wee hours of the morning, as I can't sleep due to the pain.  I still have a little while to go, too, as best as I can figure.  Well, this is how I look at it.  I'm truly amazed that we were created in such a way that our bodies can see what technology can't and know that there's a problem bad enough that the baby wouldn't survive anyway.  I'm thankful that my body is doing this on its own and without the "help" of a D&C (at least it is as of now).  I'm relieved that the wondering is over, that now I can grieve and move on instead of wondering from hour to hour if the baby is still with us.  I had a weird vibe about this pregnancy from the beginning...I didn't want to tell anyone, and there are still several people (as in close people...family) who don't know about this pregnancy.  I had bad cramping and spotting in the beginning.  I just always felt a feeling of doom, and kept wondering if that was a sign that I would miscarry.  I had a few dreams that I miscarried.  I guess my heart knew before I did.  Trav and I are unsure as to where this leaves us.  We're thinking that we might actually try (on purpose!) after I'm healed and start cycling again, but then at the same time I wonder if we shouldn't wait a little while.  I don't know.  I guess we'll figure that one out later.  In the meantime, I am finding comfort in my two beautiful, healthy boys and my sweet husband, who has been so good throughout this whole ordeal.  And I wonder if the timing of this has anything to do with my moon cycle, as the phase is currently the waning crescent?

*********************************************************

Update:  I stopped cramping at about 7:30 this morning.  When I got up at 8 am and used the bathroom, I actually felt a little urge to push.  I did, and with that, little Tadpole was born.  It was an intact piece of tissue about half the size of a large banana.  I could see a protrusion on it the size of a large marble.  Being the weirdo that I am, I ruptured the sac to see the baby.  When I ruptured it, blood rushed out, so I guess that might have been part of the problem.  The little critter looked just like they do in those pregnancy development books!  It is white and clear, kinda looks like a tadpole just shy of an inch long.  I could see little eyes and a little cord.  It's amazing that something that small and undeveloped actually had a heartbeat a couple of days ago!  All in all, I feel pretty good.  I had a little cry earlier on, and I'm sure I'll have a few more, but I feel...peaceful.  I'm not looking forward to telling people at work, because I'm sure it'll take at least a week for it to get around the grapevine, an inevitably someone will approach me and call me preggo and I'll have to tell them that I miscarried.  I'm to the stage now that I'm wondering why it happened.  I know there doesn't have to necessarily be a "reason" this early on, but I'm just hoping that it doesn't happen again next time.  Well, we shall see.

Oh, the joys of the ER...

Yep, I had to take a trip to the ER last night.  *sigh*  Even as an employee with "priority" status, it took 6 hours from in to out.  And that was after a long day at work!  Here is my story:

In both of my previous pregnancies, I've had spotting.  Nothing major, and generally only lasting a few days at the most, but spotting nonetheless.  I also have an incredibly sensitive cervix, and actually had cervical erosion with and after Gavin's pregnancy.  It's harmless and painless, but scary as heck to have the bright red bleeding that can come with cervical erosion!  So I had been spotting for a total of five days as of yesterday, and it had been increasing.  I set an appointment with an OB (gulp...quite the step for this midwife-lover!), but couldn't get in any sooner than June 30th.  My boss is a FNP, and she called some OB friends of hers to see if they could squeeze me in before then, but I didn't hear from them.  So, after an increase in bright red spotting, I decided to go to the ER.  The nurse in me was saying that it's probably O.K., that it's probably just my cervix acting up again, and I was just spotting (not officially bleeding) and not cramping, so I was most likely not miscarrying.  But the mom in me was just screaming out for help, knowing bright red blood is never normal, and was scared for the life of my baby.  I had blood drawn and waited an eternity for an ultrasound.  Everyone was very nice and sympathetic.  After a time of quiet prayer, and a short nap, I finally got to go for my ultrasound.  The tech asked if I was sure of my dates.  Well, I'm sure of the date of my LMP, but my cycles were so whacky that any due date is possible, I suppose.  He said that my HCG beta was a bit low for my LMP-based date (well, that scared me, but I figured it would be lower than their calculated 8 weeks due to my whacky cycles...), but we'd go ahead and have a look.  I was seriously expecting to see a sac with no baby, or no heartbeat.  But would you believe one of the first things I saw when he put the probe to my belly was that beautiful, fluttering heartbeat?!  He announced "Well, you're definitely pregnant, and we have fetal heart tones!"  I could have sat up and hugged him right there.  He found that, by measurements, I'm only 6w3d.  That would explain the low beta.  Everything looked really good, and he pronounced my pregnancy "viable".  That sounds so...medical...especially when you're talking about the miracle of life, about a new little person inside a mother's womb.  But I've never heard a more beautiful word in all of my life!  I got back to the ER and met the doc who was to be doing my exam.  He checked me out and found that my cervix was tightly closed, but extremely irritated and bleeding.  He said that, of course, any bleeding is not considered "normal", and that it's considered a "threatened" miscarriage, but the bleeding is definitely coming from my cervix.  I could breathe a little.  So, although we're not considered out-of-the-woods just yet (not till 20 weeks, technically), I have a little peace of mind, for now.  It's still unnerving to see blood, but I can at least rest a little.  So, little Dempsey is still with us, and I hope s/he says with us for another full 34 weeks!  At that point in the ER, I had been there for 4 hours and was told that I'd be discharged in a few minutes.  Two hours later, the nurse finally hunted down the doc, who had really procrastinated on getting my paperwork through.  At 0245 this morning, I finally walked out of the hospital.  But I couldn't be mad...I am just happy that I'm still pregnant!

Deklan's Birth Story

I was just reading some birth stories on various blogs and it got me to thinking...I have never written down Deklan's birth story! Maybe because it was not the birth that I had wanted for him or me, or maybe because I wasn't so much "into" birth back then as I am now. But in any event, he is my firstborn, my son, and he deserves to have his story told. So, as well as I can remember, here it is:

First, a little background. I was being seen in an OB/GYN office by the midwives who practiced there. The plan was to transfer care to a midwife about 1.5 hours away further along in my pregnancy, and to ultimately give birth at the freestanding birthing home there. Well, this was not to be. We had a routine ultrasound at around 30 weeks. During the ultrasound, the tech was having a very difficult time measuring something about his heart. When she got up to get the doctor, whom we had never met, we were worried. The doctor came and explained that the tech had been unable to find the 4th chamber of his heart. After some searching, she was able to find it, but it was so thick and so small that it was hard to see. We had to set up an appointment with a specialist at a hospital 3.5 hours away. Two weeks later we had our appointment. Four hours later, the specialist announced that it seemed that our son had a trisomy-type defect, and that he was calling in the genetic counselor. We were devastated. We prayed and waited, and while we waited we decided that we would not have an amnio (which they wanted to do that day), and that we would have the baby and love him as long as he lived. After talking with the counselor, the doctor came to meet us again, and discussed the problem. As he was talking, I noticed that he referenced a date, saying that it was his due date, but it was not. I told him that the due date he was using was wrong. He looked really happy, and said "Well, in that case...hold on..." After re-calculating measurements, he announced that our son did NOT have a trisomy defect after all, but simply a loose tricuspid valve that was causing one of his ventricles to be very thick and muscular, as it was trying to compensate for the valve. We were elated and infuriated at the same time. How could a specialist make such a horrible mistake??? We ended up being seen by the specialist for the remainder of my pregnancy, every two weeks. They also found that his pulmonary valve was too tight, in addition to the loose tricuspid valve. They took a wait-and-see approach, waiting to see how his little body would compensate after his birth. I was told that I had to deliver at the hospital 3.5 hours away from us, and that I would have the Dr. on call deliver my son. We were just scared and wanted his birth to be as safe and him to be as healthy as possible. Now, on to the story.

At my 40-week appointment, I was told that I would be induced if I hadn't gone into labor in the next two days. I didn't want to be induced, I had heard horror stories of Pitocin contractions. So, I went home and chugged castor oil...two 4-oz. bottles of it. Well, the aftermath was terrible and I got a foretaste of the "ring of fire", to put it nicely. However, I started in a contraction pattern that felt so different from the Braxton-Hicks that I had been having for days and days. My mom and family had driven down from Michigan to be with me, and they were nearing the end of their visit. I was so hoping that he'd be born while they were here with me! At about midnight, I decided that I was in labor, and that we'd better start the 3.5 hour drive to the hospital. We got there and I went to triage and was hooked up and examined. I was at 4 cm, and had bloody show! So, they kept me. I went to my room and went to sleep, as it was about 7 am by then and I hadn't slept a wink all night.

When I woke up at 9:30am, my contractions had all but gone. My nurse came in and said that they were going to start Pitocin to get my contractions started back up again. I wasn't happy about this, but I agreed and let her start and IV and get the Pitocin running. My contractions gradually started coming back as they increased the Pitocin, although they were comfortable enough to talk through. At around one o'clock in the afternoon, they broke my water. It was a river of clear fluid. It soaked the chux, and I could hear it dripping onto the floor. I asked if someone could please change the pads under me, and my nurse said "No, because they'll just get soaked again." The nurse in me wanted to just scream at her. So I sat in a puddle for the rest of my labor. Shortly after my water was broken, the people I'd invited to my birth (my mom, my friend Melanie, and my friend Miss Chris) returned from lunch. They were so good, trying to help me relax and breathe through my contractions, but all I could smell was the lunch on their breath. I remember yelling at them and telling them to get out of my face or brush their teeth or something!! I apologized after that contraction was over for yelling at them, and they all laughed. From that point till they told me to push was just a blur of pain. Contractions came on so suddenly and painfully that I began to dry-heave. They gave me something for nausea. I contracted and writhed in pain, fighting the pain by tensing up my body and moaning, and putting some claw-marks in my husbands hand. About 3 hours of hard labor later, I was pronounced complete and told to push. We did the classic guided pushing, of curling up with my chin to my chest and pushing for the count of ten, quick breath, then repeat for a total of three per contraction. At first I was motivated...I finally got to push!! And pushing, to me, helped relieve the pain. But then exhaustion began to set in, and only my first of three sets of pushes was even doing anything. The doctor (I later found out that he was an intern, and was asking the nurses what to do next!) told me that I had to have an episiotomy, because I wasn't going to be able to push this baby out. I tried a few more pushes, then in my weariness agreed to the cut. I didn't feel him cut me. A few more pushes later, and I could feel that his head was out! Then, one mighty roar and hard push later, at 4:55 pm on July 27th, 2004, Deklan was born into this world!

He was taken quickly, his cord cut, and moved to the bassinet where the NICU team was waiting for him. My husband asked if he could leave me to go see him, and I said yes. I could hear his strong cries from across the room, which was music to my ears. Again, we weren't sure if he would need heart surgery shortly after being born, or if he would compensate for his defects. He sure sounded good to me! We found that he was a whopping 8 lbs, 6.6 oz! A far cry from the 6.5 lbs they had guestimated only a few days earlier!

Apparently I was bleeding quite a bit, so my nurse started massaging my uterus (which hurt like heck!), and the intern started pulling on the cord to "help" the placenta out. He tore it out in shreds, and my husband and friends said that he just looked at it, then at the nurses with a deer-in-the-headlights look. Little did I know, I had retained fragments of the placenta, which ended up inhibiting my milk from coming in, then 9 days postpartum landed me back in the hospital on IV antibiotics. They pumped me full of more Pitocin to help stop the bleeding. Then I was told that I had torn past the episiotomy to a 3rd degree tear, which went into but not through my anal sphincter. The intern set to stitching me up, without even a local anesthetic. When I placed an ill-aimed kick to his shoulder (I wish I had gotten his head) he asked what was wrong. I asked him why he was sticking a needle into my hoo-ha without even having pain medication! He said "Oh, I thought you had an epidural!" *sigh* Even on my son's records that he brought to his pediatrician, it says that he was born vaginally with epidural pain relief. I purposefully didn't have pain meds because I didn't want to compromise his already compromised heart. Anyway, after some local and IV pain relief, he set to stitching me up. While he was doing that, I heard the NICU team leaving with my son. I yelled to anyone who would listen to please stop them, I hadn't seen my son yet! My nurse ran over, grabbed Deklan, brought him over to me for about two minutes so I could see him and we could take a couple of pictures, then they whisked him away to the NICU for testing.

My heart was aching, but I knew it was necessary. So I just dozed off as the pain medication kicked in, until they moved me to another room. I got up and peed, which burned like nothing I'd ever felt. Then I got into bed and slept for a while. My mom and family had to leave that afternoon, so they came to say their goodbyes. After I woke up, it was NICU visiting hours, so I got to go see Deklan. He was so big compared to all of the other babies in the Level 3 NICU!! They actually nicknamed him "The Moose"! The NICU nurse was great, and got a privacy screen and a Boppy so I could nurse him for the first time. They had already given him bottles of formula, against my direct instructions. He was a hungry little guy though, and latched on pretty well. My visits with Deklan were sporadic for the next day and a half, as the NICU closed down a few times for emergency surgeries on the babies in there. Finally, we were told that we'd get to bring him home with us! Our little guy was being released! We got him dressed and ready to go, and the NICU nurses sent us home with a blanket, a hat, a diaper bag, and formula. After a 3.5 hour drive home on a 3rd degree torn bottom, we got home and were met by a group of family. After pictures and shooing them away, we finally got to relax and settle in. I had a difficult time with breastfeeding, as he preferred the bottle. But I was determined. It turned out that he was also getting frustrated because my milk wasn't coming in because of the retained fragment of placenta. I was exhausted, wasn't eating much or drinking much because I felt terrible. After a couple of days in the hospital on antibiotics, I passed the fragments and felt much better. They didn't have to do a D&C, for which I was grateful. I went home and my milk came in. We settled into a routine, and lived happily ever after!

As you can probably imagine, I learned a lot from Deklan's birth. It's what started me on the path that I'm on now. It wasn't the gentle birth that I had wanted for him, but he's here, he's ours, and he's healthy. And now I know better.

Gracious, it's too early for this!

I already look 4 months pregnant!  I know it's just a (not-so-lovely) combination of my belly fat, stretched belly-skin, and bloating, but jeepers...really?  All of my maternity clothes are still in Florida.  It looks like Trav and his buddy Paul are going to road-trip it and go get our stuff in a couple of months, and by then I'll really be needing them.  For now, I can get by with wearing my scrubs tied a little looser, and wearing stretchy-waisted capris and skirts...I have several that are jersey knit, like t-shirts, so they're stretchy and airy and comfy.  I can't even suck in my tummy!  I think the uterus typically rises above the level of the pubic bone around 12 weeks, although I seem to remember Harmony being able to feel it already at my first appointment at 8 weeks.  She mentioned it and asked was I sure of my due date because my uterus felt more 12-week-ish.  Yes, I was sure of my dates, I guess my uterus was just expanding a little sooner due to that pregnancy being my second.  My fundal height measured ahead by at least 2 weeks the entire pregnancy, and at the end it was 48 cm!  My uterus just seems to know what to do and does it very well!  So, I figure I'll be legitimately "showing" in just a few short weeks!  I'm going to have to pick up a few maternity things, I'm sure, before we get our stuff from FL.  As of yet, I'm feeling pretty good.  I have "super nose" pretty bad, and every smell bothers me.  But thankfully what little nausea I've had is coming and going, so no true-blue morning sickness yet, just hormonal ick.  I'm hoping that, by staying well-nourished this pregnancy, I will stave off morning sickness altogether.  I've been taking my vitamins every day, and went ahead and got some Floradix with Herbs for later on in the game...I've gotten to be significantly anemic with both of my pregnancies.  I'm drinking my Pregnancy Tea by Traditional Medicinals, and trying to eat a very balanced and healthy diet.  Gavin is still nursing like a fiend, but I think that my hormones are changing my milk a bit.  When he nurses, he unlatches, looks at my breast, then looks at me with this quizzical look on his face and exclaims "Ehh?!?" like there's a problem or something.  Haha!  I'm hoping that he'll self-wean as my belly begins to get in the way, as I'm not sure how tandem-nursing will mesh with nursing a new baby on demand and then pumping at work when I return.  That just seems like a lot of boob action to me!

Well, we've been (barely) surviving while Trav has been gone.  I miss him so much!  I've been doing all of the work that we normally share, and I have to say that I have an even higher respect for him and what he does at home while I'm gone now that I've had a taste of it again!  In any event, I can't wait to go driving off tomorrow at midnight to go pick him up!!

So, I'm liking my new Blackberry Storm.  Verizon is having a 2-for-1 sale and we were due for our "new every 2" phones (where you get $100 toward an upgraded phone every two years), so we got an AWESOME deal on a pair of them.  It's pretty bizarre to be able to freely surf the web from your phone!  I can listen to my favorite "channel" on Pandora (online radio) from my phone, and even have an awesome (free!) app called "Epocrates" that's basically a drug book in my phone.  Referencing has never been so easy!  I have a bluetooth for it, but I haven't gotten it set up yet...Trav can do it for me when he gets home.  Hands-free is the only legal way to talk while you drive in California, not to mention that it'll be much easier while cleaning or nursing...and with another baby on the way!!

I've gotten active on MDC (the forums for Mothering Magazine, also known as Mothering Dot Community) again.  I took a bit of a hiatus after I returned to work full-time.  I had to find a balance in my life...being a wife, mommy, and sole provider is a tough juggling act!  So, I just couldn't justify spending so much time on the internet anymore, and basically cut it completely off.  Now I'm in a pretty good groove, have my priorities in order, and so I've allowed myself to get back on.  I'm really enjoying being a member of a DDC (Due Date Club)!  I'm also active again on my page at i-am-pregnant.com.  So strange to be back...Deklan and Gavin were spaced apart so far that, now that I'm pregnant again, it seems like I was just pregnant a little while ago!  I really am thrilled now about being pregnant.  I'm settled in to the idea, and it's kind of cool to see again that God's plan ultimately rules!  Now, I wonder if God's plan includes a little girl in our lives?

I'm lonely...

...my wonderful husband is out of town for a few days.  He flew out today to Pennsylvania to a friends wedding.  We couldn't go because we have a family wedding in August, and we couldn't afford two whole-family airfares.  So, the chillens and myself are on our own until about midnight on Sunday, when I go to pick him up.  Then I'm right back to work on Monday!  I'm going to miss that guy.  I do already!  I don't have a fear of flying, but I hate it when we're separated, and even more so when there's an aircraft involved.  In a car, you have some control over the situation.  In a plane, though, you just have to trust the crew.  I don't consider myself a controlling person by any means, but that lack of control thing bothers me.

As a result of Trav being gone, I have lots of time to watch whatever I want and spend lots of time on the computer!!  The boys are bathed and sleeping like little cutie pies, the dog has been walked and fed, and the house is calm.  I've been "shopping" for a midwife.  I have read good reviews about a few midwives in the area, and I've emailed a couple of them.  One of them stands out to me, and I don't know quite why...her name is Detrah Hele.  She's a CPM/LM in the area who does homebirths.  I can't wait to have a talk with her!  The thing is, I think I'm going to have a hard time finding someone who measures up to Harmony in my mind.  Harmony Miller is the world's most awesome midwife in Trav's and my opinions.  We loved her manner and trusted her completely.  I wonder if I'll be able to find someone that I feel THAT comfortable with.  I liked having a young midwife...seems like most of the midwives in this area are older.  According to their short bios, they've started practicing from the 1970's to 1990's, so they've got to be a bit older than me.  Well, we'll see.  It's still several weeks before I even need a preliminary visit.  I think I first saw Harmony around 8 weeks.  

*sigh*  The house is a disaster.  I guess I should go clean it up now.  

Ummm...oops...

That negative pregnancy test that I posted about last...yeah, well, it was positive.  I just didn't wait long enough for it to develop.  I learned this the night after I took it and was still concerned about what was going on with me.  After much hemming and hawing, I decided to pick up my last, expensive test (the ClearBlue one that displays the words and not just lines) and test again.  This was really difficult for me, as I was saving that test for when we were trying to conceive, for when I thought that we had succeeded in conceiving.  Well, as I was sitting there waiting for the results, I kept thinking to myself "This is so stupid!  I just wasted a $6 test on a negative!  I KNOW I'm not pregnant...I took a test last night!"  Then I looked down and, lo and behold, "Pregnant", as clear as day.  I just stared at it.  I tucked it in my pocket, wondering if I should tell Travis now or not.  We were, after all, trying NOT to get pregnant, and I didn't think he'd be very happy.  I did a little trash-digging and found the test from the previous night...it had turned positive!  I had an appointment with my personal trainer today, so I knew that I wanted to tell Travis before the appointment.  I just wasn't O.K. with my trainer being the first person to know.  So, I ended up just putting the test with the words on the end table beside the remote control.  He hadn't seen it after a half an hour, so I took it back and tried to think of a way to throw it in the conversation.  He was talking about his brother and how he wanted to call him and see how he and his expecting-very-soon wife were doing, but wanted another reason to call.  He said was saying that he'd already texted him about the Lakers game, and that he wished he had something else to talk about.  I handed him the test and said "Why don't you talk to him about that?"  He just stared at it, then stared into his coffee cup for a really long time.  After a while, he got a hint of a smile on his face.  "Are you serious?"  "Do I look like I'm kidding?!"  So, we've gotten used to the idea now.  It's been several days since I found out, and I don't imagine we'll be telling a lot of people right off the bat.  Trav's best friend knows, my best friend knows, my mom and step-mom and sister know, and my trainer knows.  That's all right now, though.  I suppose we'll just wait till August to tell Trav's side of the family, as I'm pretty sure I'll be showing by then.  I was noticeably showing by 10 weeks with Gavin, and I'll be a bit over 13 weeks by the time the wedding rolls around.  That'll be a surprise, for sure!  I'm not sure how all of this is going to effect me starting school in December.  I'm thinking that I'm going to have to wait, as my due date around Feb. 1st.  We'll see.  So, I guess my icky feelings and obsession with having another baby was happening for a reason...I was pregnant!

Hmmm...

I feel icky tonight.  I had a rough day at work, and now I'm home and just BLAH.  I'm flushed, slightly nauseated, feel hot all over (but no fever), and I'm exhausted.  I'm also on day 36 of my cycle with no end in sight, which I guess is O.K., considering that my cycles have been getting longer...34-35 days average.  What the heck is up with THAT?!  It kinda has me worried, that there's some weird hormonal thing going on with me that might be bad...or it could just be that Gavin's nursing a bit more than usual because he's teething again...or it could be stress-related...who knows?  I hope I'm not broken!!  I know not too many people read my blog, but for any other chicas out there...have you ever been through this?  Oh, and I took a pregnancy test yesterday just for kicks and it was a big negatory.