Some well-deserved days off...

I'm really appreciating being off today.  Yesterday morning I woke up in absolute agony with my shoulder.  I must have slept badly on it, because it felt like all of the muscles were tearing away from the bones.  ALL DAY it continued, as I put hot packs on it and tried to stretch the pain away at work.  My orientee took my whole group of patients and I just tagged along behind him and made sure that he was doing O.K.  This made my life a LOT easier, as I didn't have to do as much work.  That sounds terrible, but it was really helpful.  I have a high pain threshold...I birthed a ten-pound child naturally for goodness sake!  But this was just a total bummer.  Anyway, I feel better this morning, about 50% less pain, and I'm trying to get in with a Chiropractor today or tomorrow and I have an appointment for Acupuncture on Monday.  So I'm expecting to be 100% soon.  

So, people, I'm on Facebook!  I put a link on the left side of my blog so you can find me, if you're interested.  It's brand new so there's not a whole lot of stuff on there yet, but I'll work on it.  

We decided to wait on painting the house until a little later.  We have minimal stuff here, and we've just decided that we're going to just paint sometime before we go get all of our stuff from Florida.  The fact that we haven't painted yet has been preventing us from moving (haven't painted due to time/date/money constraints), and we're all REALLY ready to get into the house.  We celebrated our July 4th over there, had fireworks in the backyard, some grilled chicken and corn-on-the-cob, and hung our American flag.  It was really fun!

I'm giving some thought to starting a new email account.  I've had my old one since the beginning of high school.  I would keep my old one, of course, but my new one would be used predominantly.  I will be starting school soon, and I'd like to have a more professional-sounding email address.  Something birth-related.

Well, I went to Starbucks the other day and didn't feel like getting coffee...not even iced coffee, since it was so blazing hot.  So I went to the counter and said "I normally get coffee, but I don't feel like it today...I'm thinking something with tea would be good.  What do you recommend with tea  that's cold and refreshing?  The guy behind the counter said "Well, have you tried our Green Tea Lemonade?"  "No", says I, "but it sounds good!"  So I got an unsweetened Green Tea Lemonade and fell in love!  Only problem is that, like everything at Starbucks, it's really pricey.  So, I went home and made a strong cup of Green Tea, added a spoon of honey, and poured in some Simply Lemonade, stirred, and sipped.  It was even better than Starbucks!  So it's been my daily treat, very light and refreshing, good for you as compared to other non-water drinks out there, and much less expensive than Starbucks.  It would be even more cheap if I made my own lemonade.  Well, the other day I ran out of lemonade, but I had some Pomegranate Lemonade in the fridge that I had gotten on sale.  I mixed that in instead.  It's even better than the regular kind!  I'm really enjoying my variations of tea and lemonade mixed.  

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Some pics from the past...

I have several sewing projects to be done.  But one of the ones that I really WANTED to do was sew some Thai fisherman pants for lounging around the house.  So, I found this fabulous linen fabric at Joann, and not only was it 40% off, but I got the end of the bolt, so the second yard was an additional 50% off!  They turned out to cost about $8.  Not too shabby!  I'm also going to be using very similar material for pillows for the sofa, since our new furniture didn't come with any pillows.  

I'm also throwing in a couple of other pictures that I've been meaning to post.  The first is Ziggy the Magnificent as a pup, although his is much bigger now.  And he looks kinda' weird in the pic, with his eyes all funky...  

The second is poor ol' Maximus, the Boston that we had for all-too-short of a time, who was stolen from us.  
The third and fourth are of LoLo's baby blanket.  I took pics a long time ago, I just forgot to post them.  It was done using the Tiramisu Baby Blanket pattern off of Ravelry.

I am very proud of this blanket.  It really is quite pretty, very simple, albeit time consuming.  I have more pics to come...I've been a bit of a flunky in the photo department these days.  Oh, and I'm in the process of adding some pics to my older posts...like Gavin's birth story.  Check it out!

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Thoughts and ideas, ideas and thoughts!

I have so many of them!  I recently had some mandatory education classes to do for work, one of which was regarding consents.  I'm going to have to get the paperwork out of the car in the morning for the class, because as soon as I read the first couple of Power Point sections, I started getting riled up thinking about the status of OB care in hospitals.  I suppose I'll get to that another day.

I have to say that I got a bit offended at work today.  I had a patient with a new (very bad) diagnosis, a grim prognosis, and the news of it deeply effected both himself and his family more so than it ordinarily might have, due to the circumstances surrounding his getting the illness in the first place.  I've had this patient for several days, and very often he's tearful, withdrawn, and clearly depressed.  I'm not a huge fan of pharmaceuticals, but I suggested to the intern that she might consider a psych consult, a spiritual referral, and/or an antidepressant/anti-anxiety type of medication.  She then said "Medications aren't the answer to everything.  He's just getting used to his diagnosis.  And besides, I need to treat the whole person, not just give meds."  Now, part of me wants to shout "Hallelujah!" from the rooftops that there's actually a new Doc out there who isn't ready to pop a million pills into their patients.  However, I resented the insinuation that I think that meds are the answer to everything.  That is the farthest thing from the truth!!  Even on our crazy floor, I'll be the first nurse to not push Ativan/Valium/Haldol on a patient, unrestrain them, and take them out to the nurse's station for some interaction to help calm them down.  I hate giving meds unnecessarily.  But I really felt that this man needed some help.  It was within my scope of practice to order a spiritual referral without a Doc's order, but I couldn't do anything besides that, and trying to support him and his family the best that I could.  That had me bent out of shape for a good part of the day.

Now, for what made my day!  I seldom take the boys to Toys 'R Us because they turn into rabid little toymongers.  But Trav was buying some fireworks from a stand in the Toys 'R Us parking lot, so I took the boys in.  Trav wanted me to get a puzzle of the U.S.A., since he's trying to teach Deklan a little bit of elementary geography (where we live, where Popi and Noni live, where Mum-Mum lives, where Grammy and Pappy live, where PaPa and MaMa live, etc.) so I picked one up.  Then I wandered over to the Melissa & Doug section to lust after some cool (expensive) wooden toys.  As I perused the aisle, a set of emergency vehicles caught Deklan's eye...he wanted it!  I took a look at the price, then did a double-take.  It was marked down from $19.99 to $2.00!!!  Surely that can't be right, I thought.  So I let Deklan get it, and headed to the register.  Sure enough, less than $7 for my entire purchase!  So, I ran back to the van, told Trav that I had to run back in, grabbed up the remaining 4 sets, and hauled them to the register.  It was there that I realized that, not only were they $2, but they were also an additional 20% off!  Four sets of Melissa & Doug rescue vehicles for less than $7!!!!  I couldn't believe my eyes!  So I got a total of 5 sets, and I'll be going to the other Toys 'R Us in town tomorrow (if they're open) or Sunday to see if they're on sale at the other one as well.  I saved almost $100 on those toys!  I'm still in disbelief.

I'm so fried.  I just finished my fifth consecutive day at work, and I'm just so incredibly done with this week.  I'm so glad that I have the holiday weekend off.  I get to recuperate a little bit.  I have an orientee who is a new grad, and is very, VERY labor intensive.  This person doesn't pick things up very quickly, and has been on orientation for 6 weeks with another nurse, who finally threw her hands up and refused to orient him anymore.  My boss said that she's putting him with me for 2-3 weeks, then she's going to review his progress.  If he's not progressing satisfactorily, she may fire him.  I sincerely hope that it doesn't come to that, and I have every confidence that he can grow to be a good, competent nurse.  But 2-3 weeks isn't long.  So I've been trying SO HARD this week to teach him, to be patient, to explain things, and yet to give him enough independence so that he can learn what's best for him and develop his skills.  It's exhausting.  It's flattering that my boss thinks that he has a fighting chance in my hands for a while, but it's still exhausting.  And if he fails, then I'm going to feel like a failure for failing him.  I hope this all goes well.

I'm still telling people that I miscarried.  The news is taking longer than I thought to get around.  It still hurts every time that I have to explain that I'm no longer pregnant.  I hope it doesn't take long for us to conceive once we decide that it's time to officially drop our guard.

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Busy day!

I had the day off and had the opportunity to do a few things.  I spent the morning chillin' with my boys (all three of them!), then around lunch time took off with the boys and left Trav at home for some quiet time.  We went to Goodwill to get some "new" shorts and t-shirts for Deklan, as he seems to be having a growth spurt and is outgrowing his clothes incredibly fast.  After that, we went to Trader Joe's, where we picked up some awesome blueberries at a great price, and super-cheap basil plant, and typical grocery odds and ends.  Then we went to Joann's, to get a new clasp for my favorite necklace.

 I also got some really awesome beads that I want to make into either a necklace or bracelet.  Then we went to Wal-Mart to get more odds and ends.  And then finally to SaveMart to wrap up the grocery shopping.  When I got home I cleaned out the fridge, then prepped some fruit.  I washed and picked the blueberries and laid them on wax paper on a cookie sheet.  On top of that I put another sheet of wax paper and topped it with washed and sliced strawberries.  Then I added a layer of over-ripe bananas, then a layer of washed, halved, and pitted cherries.  All of those went into the freezer and then into freezer bags for smoothies later.  I used a handful of blueberries, a handful of cherries, and a couple of apples to make a crisp, which turned out absolutely delicious.  I cooked and boned some chicken, which will turn into chicken salad tomorrow or the next day.  Then I prepped and cooked some shrimp (which was supposed to become a shrimp salad, but it didn't make it.  We ate it for dinner.) and started a garbanzo bean salad.  That will have to wait as well, since the day is done and I am tired.  Between all of this activity I called my old school and requested transcripts for Frontier (since I'm no longer pregnant, I'm going ahead with my plan to start school in December), washed, dried, folded, and hung four loads of laundry, put the kids down for naps and then bed, and cleaned the kitchen (with the exception of loading the dishwasher...Trav pitched in).  It's been a busy day off!  Now I get to sit with a cup of tea and work on a baby blanket that I'm crocheting as a gift for a baby due in a couple of weeks.

I'm doing well.  I'm totally done with everything miscarriage-related, and I would say that I'm back to normal as far as all of that goes.  Trav and I are back to our old shenanigans, which is nice!  We're still planning on waiting until at least one cycle passes us by, but we're being a lot more lax than we normally would be in the avoidance department.  Maybe I should start back on my prenatals, just in case.

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The time will come...

I have to say that I have baby fever again, pretty bad at that.  And so does Travis.  Having little Tadpole with us for just a few short weeks reminded us both how awesome the miracle of conception and the development of a little person is.  And now we miss it.  We miss the baby, the anticipation, the feelings of being pregnant.  So we're looking to the time when we will try again to conceive.  Except we're not going to try.  We decided on the "baby roulette" approach.  We're not going to try during certain time frames or doing things a certain way to try to get a girl.  We're just going to pray for a healthy baby (a healthy baby GIRL if God wills it!) and follow our hearts and let the chips fall where they may.  I'm glad that we agreed on this.  Before Tadpole, we were going to try to do some things to tip our odds of getting a girl, and try at a certain time to have the baby in a certain time frame, etc.  But now we have been taken back to square one, of just wanting a healthy, living baby, no matter what the gender or when it is born.  Oh, I'll be keeping track of my cycles and all, as I do anyway.  I like to know what my body is doing and what's normal for me.  But that's it.  So I guess we'll be "trying" more than we ever have in the past, since all three of my pregnancies have been "oops" pregnancies.  But taking a passive approach just feels right now.  So, we're going to wait a little while for my body to normalize, then just put it in God's hands and enjoy our relationship, without worrying about timing.  Hurray for that.

It has been good to be back to work.  I went back on Monday, and worked three days straight.  On Monday I was still having lots of bleeding and lots of clots, then (thanks in part to Gavin still nursing and me drinking lots of toning herbal teas) Monday afternoon I had a bunch of cramping and passed the final piece of Tadpole's short-lived home...the bleeding almost stopped altogether after that.  I felt much relieved, as I was starting to get concerned about potentially having to go back to the ER, this time for a D&C.  I'm thankful that it didn't come to that.  I've had to tell several people that I miscarried, and everyone has been really supportive.  Almost every single woman that I've told has given me a hug and said "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry...I know how you feel!  I had a miscarriage at about the same time..."  It's so common.  I don't think I understood exactly HOW common it was until I went through it myself.  I have to say that it makes it a lot easier to have supportive women around me who have been through it themselves.  It makes me feel better to hear their stories and know that I'm not alone.

Trav moved the first boxes over to the new house today!  It will be a slow process of moving in, but I can't wait until we're officially IN!  We have been going over there and cleaning and preparing for the move.  We bring Ziggy and the boys over with us and let them run around in the yard and play in the sprinklers...all three of them LOVE it!  They also love running around the house like a bunch of hooligans, bouncing on their bouncy balls and shrieking as they chase each other...and they don't have to worry about the noise disturbing the downstairs neighbor!  Deklan asks every day if we are going to go to the new house.  I found some free plans for a compost bin that Trav is going to build for me, so I don't have to buy more compost than the amount that I'll have to buy to start my garden.  The soil we have is pretty crappy, so I know I'm going to have to buy some to prep the soil.  We have a really good organic compost/seed place here in Fresno that I already have my eye on.  I think it will be good for my soul to get my hands back into the earth...how I have missed gardening!

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Life experience and ministering...

There are so many things that have happened to me in my life that could be considered "traumatizing".  Yet after they happen, I just think to myself  "Well, that's another thing that I'll be able to help someone else through someday!"  Seriously.  I hope and pray that we never have to deal with a major tragedy, and one of my most frequent prayers is that our whole family will get to go up in the Rapture together, that I will never lose anyone close to me.  But all of these other things, including my most recent loss, I consider to be preparation for the life of service in the ministry that I hope we have one day.  Today I joined the ranks of the women who have experienced the physical, emotional, and mental pain of losing an unborn child.  That's not a good thing, or a fun thing, but I feel different after this.  I feel older.  I feel...well, not necessarily wiser, but more capable of understanding.  I'm understanding the twinges of sadness that you feel when you see a pregnant woman at the market, or drive past a maternity store, or even things as small as putting away my Pregnancy Tea and exchanging it for my Female Toner Tea for my nightly cup, trying to help my uterus and hormones get back to normal.  I understand the wondering why it happened, why God saw fit to allow this loss.  I also understand (thanks Mom) resting in Him and knowing that, no matter if we understand it or not, He is in control and loves us more than anything.

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Miscarrying sucks.

Well, the afore-mentioned spotting finally turned to bleeding, then to horrendous cramping.  Like menstrual cramping times ten.  Like early labor, except without a break between contractions.  I took a hot shower which helped for a while, and now I'm sitting up on the computer in the wee hours of the morning, as I can't sleep due to the pain.  I still have a little while to go, too, as best as I can figure.  Well, this is how I look at it.  I'm truly amazed that we were created in such a way that our bodies can see what technology can't and know that there's a problem bad enough that the baby wouldn't survive anyway.  I'm thankful that my body is doing this on its own and without the "help" of a D&C (at least it is as of now).  I'm relieved that the wondering is over, that now I can grieve and move on instead of wondering from hour to hour if the baby is still with us.  I had a weird vibe about this pregnancy from the beginning...I didn't want to tell anyone, and there are still several people (as in close people...family) who don't know about this pregnancy.  I had bad cramping and spotting in the beginning.  I just always felt a feeling of doom, and kept wondering if that was a sign that I would miscarry.  I had a few dreams that I miscarried.  I guess my heart knew before I did.  Trav and I are unsure as to where this leaves us.  We're thinking that we might actually try (on purpose!) after I'm healed and start cycling again, but then at the same time I wonder if we shouldn't wait a little while.  I don't know.  I guess we'll figure that one out later.  In the meantime, I am finding comfort in my two beautiful, healthy boys and my sweet husband, who has been so good throughout this whole ordeal.  And I wonder if the timing of this has anything to do with my moon cycle, as the phase is currently the waning crescent?

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Update:  I stopped cramping at about 7:30 this morning.  When I got up at 8 am and used the bathroom, I actually felt a little urge to push.  I did, and with that, little Tadpole was born.  It was an intact piece of tissue about half the size of a large banana.  I could see a protrusion on it the size of a large marble.  Being the weirdo that I am, I ruptured the sac to see the baby.  When I ruptured it, blood rushed out, so I guess that might have been part of the problem.  The little critter looked just like they do in those pregnancy development books!  It is white and clear, kinda looks like a tadpole just shy of an inch long.  I could see little eyes and a little cord.  It's amazing that something that small and undeveloped actually had a heartbeat a couple of days ago!  All in all, I feel pretty good.  I had a little cry earlier on, and I'm sure I'll have a few more, but I feel...peaceful.  I'm not looking forward to telling people at work, because I'm sure it'll take at least a week for it to get around the grapevine, an inevitably someone will approach me and call me preggo and I'll have to tell them that I miscarried.  I'm to the stage now that I'm wondering why it happened.  I know there doesn't have to necessarily be a "reason" this early on, but I'm just hoping that it doesn't happen again next time.  Well, we shall see.

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