I wish...

...that someone out there would read my blog.  I know it's more of a web journal than anything, but still it would be nice if someone cared enough to read it.

::edit::

O.K....that sounded a little dejected.  I've been having a rough  day, the kind where nothing at all goes as planned and you just feel defeated.  It'll be a better day tomorrow.  Thanks for putting up with my pity party, if there's anyone out there reading this in the first place...

Again delayed...

...school, that is.  Due to family events going on in August, I couldn't make it for Frontier Bound, the 3-4 day orientation required by the school.  I can't very well miss weddings!!  So, I'm putting it off one more semester.  But come what may, I'm going to have my application in for August so I can start the winter term.  I'm DYING to be a midwife.  It consumes me.  I think about it every day.  I look up houses in the area where we plan on settling down and think about how it would be converted into a birthing home.  Of course, that's a LONG way away, but a girl can dream, can't she?  I am finding sources for herbs and supplies, and collecting books for my borrowing library.  I know exactly what I want, I just have to get there!!  Another thing I thought of...I would like to have one or two La Bassine pools of my own so mommas who couldn't afford to rent one or buy one would still be able to have a home water birth.  If someone can afford it, I'd "rent" it out for about $40 ($25 for the throw-away liner and $15 for wear-and-tear) or so.  The thing that made me think of that was my best friend.  She and her husband are missionaries, and they're living on a shoestring budget.  Their midwife didn't charge much for her services (I guess it was considered a charitable donation to let most of the fees slide), but she still couldn't afford a pool.  In the end, they ended up with a little extra cash and rented one.  But I would love to be able to offer that to my mommas so they have one less thing to worry about.  Kneelingwoman has been talking about things that interest me in her blog.  About doing what you love, and not necessarily for monetary gain.  I would love to offer my services as a midwife without charging a nickel, but I simply couldn't live.  However, I would love to offer my services at either a nominal fee or no fee at all for women who can't afford a midwife.  I'd love to tell them that I'd be honored to attend them during their pregnancy and subsequent birth for nothing, and see the look of relief on their face.  My best friend, LoLo and myself have a dream of me being a midwife and her being a doula and the two of us working together as a homebirth/birthing home team.  How cool would THAT be?!?  I seriously could not imagine a better situation.  Now, I will be shocked if that actually happens.  They are missionaries, as I mentioned before.  So they'd have to come off the field and move to Michigan for my dream to come true.  Well, stranger things have happened.

So, I've had a bit of a dilemma lately.  I find myself becoming more...uh..."crunchy" as time goes by.  I hesitate to even use that word, but I can't think of any other word at the moment.  Kinda' hippie-ish.  I've always have "hippie tendencies", according to my friends and family, but it took me a long time to come into my own.  I grew up as a pastor's child with all of the pressures that come with it, then going through my parents' divorce, both of them re-marrying, etc.  During this time I went from the "innocent pastor's kid" to a rebel, then from a rebel to a repentant "super-Christian".  I look back at myself then and shake my head.  I was so wrong about so many things.  I suppose being over-zealous is better than being a heathen, but I digress.  So, in the last 6-7 years, I've learned a lot about life.  I got married, left my parents' house, and had to start making important decisions with my husband rather than having them made for me.  Instead of just taking things as they were told to me, I began to THINK.  Things that I had been told I began to STUDY to see whether these things were so, rather than just take someone's word for it.  And the more that I study, the more that I see that we Baptists are just as traditional as Catholics when it comes to...well...traditions.  And that's what they are.  They're not doctrines, although they are treated as such.  I said all of that to say this:  I am not the person I used to be.  And I hope to continue to grow, to continue to find a balance.  The dilemma is, strangely, this blog.  I have several friends that I could share this blog with, but I think they would think that I'm a total heathen.  I think their opinions of me would change.  As it is, our life's situation is "un-Biblical", in that my husband stays home and I work at the moment.  Well, debt is un-Biblical, too!  The Bible tells us to owe no man.  So what is worse, me working to get debt paid off (because I make substantially more than Trav), or going bankrupt and not paying people back the money that we owe them?  Also, my hippie tendencies will probably make them think that I've gone off the deep end.  They'll think I've gone all new age on them, and that I'm probably not even saved.  *sigh*  Maybe I'm totally off-base.  But I know how our crew is.  I used to be that way.  I still desire nothing more than a close walk with my Lord.  I read my Bible, pray, and go to church.  I attend extra meetings when I can.  I pray with my kids, and for my kids.  I pray for guidance in our decision-making.  I'm not a heathen.  I'm just different now.  I'm not "backslidden".  And part of my learnings over the years has shown me that I shouldn't care what people think of me.  I am who I am.  But the hard part is that I've known these people for years, and what they think DOES matter to me!  Since I've been on the other side, I know that they'll just shake their heads and say that I'm backslidden, and that I don't even see it because my eyes are blinded.  But the sad thing is that it's exactly opposite.  How many times was I wrong in judging someone's spiritual situation by their life's circumstances?  How often did I take a holier-than-thou attitude without even realizing that's what I was doing?  Well, I am who I am.  I'm going to share my blog.  Let people think what they will.  The BIBLE is the source of fellowship with God, and the FINAL WORD on how we are to live our lives, not the teachings of men.  I'm happy with me, the way that I am.  My husband is happy with me and the way that I am.  My kids love me and are well cared-for.  Could I really ask for more?

I need to rant a little bit.

O.K., so I had a bit of a bad day at work.  It wasn't anything hugely atrocious, just a bunch of little things.  I started off my day without caffeine, which wasn't good.  But I got a cup of Earl Grey in me and felt much better.  My group was heavy today, high acuity.  I had two patients who had tracheostomies and PEG tubes and required total care, frequent suctioning, etc.  My other two patients consisted of another total-care patient with slightly lower acuity, and a young lady with a husband who's being investigated for domestic violence who was at the bedside all day (so there was an extreme family dynamic there).  Three of my four patients had multiple lines, needed meds to be crushed, were in restraints, etc.  I had PEG care to do, trach care, two IV's went bad, and another patient ran a temperature and needed pan-culturing (blood, sputum, and urine), which required suctioning a trach, straight-cathing the patient, and two difficult sticks for the blood cultures.  That's just a taste of how my morning went.  So, by the afternoon, everyone was well cared-for, but my charting was backed up.  Just as I sit down to gather myself and start charting, my supervisor comes to me and tells me I'm getting an admission on the Stroke hall.  That's around the corner and on the opposite side of the Neurosurgery unit that I was on!  What's more, the patient had already had three witnessed seizures that day, so he needed to be watched carefully.  My problem wasn't so much that I had a heavy group already, or that I was getting an admission on top of it.  It was that it was UNSAFE to have a patient who needed close monitoring so far away from the rest of my patients.  I had to leave my restrained, trached, needing-to-be-suctioned patients to watch over my seizure patient, or leave my seizure patient to tend to my others.  I spoke with my manager about this.  She values my opinion, even though I've only been there for a short time.  I know I'm young, but I've been around the country in about a dozen different hospitals.  I've seen things run well, and I've seen things run terribly.  I've seen what works and what doesn't.  Anyway, when I was talking to my boss, I mentioned that, when I was charge nurse, I took a patient or two (or even three!) if we were getting slammed with admissions or if my nurses were sinking.  And that was only two years out of school!  I'm grateful to Cheryl, the nurse who mentored me in those early years and taught me not only good nursing practice, but leadership as well.  Back to my tale...my boss was surprised when I said that.  Then another nurse chimed in and mentioned that his charge did the same thing where he came from.  It's not a big deal to take a patient.  One patient is easy, and it boosts the morale of your nurses and helps them get their work done safely.  I wrapped up my night at 8:30 pm, an hour after my shift ended.  I had to stay and finish the charting on which I was so behind.  All of my patients were fine, and my admit didn't have any more seizures, so it's all good.  I hope things change soon.  The sad thing is that it's only that one charge nurse who does that.  The others at least TRY to keep your patients close together, at least on the same UNIT.  *sigh*  Well, there are new positions coming up, a super-resource nurse of sorts, three per shift with 17 patients and their nurses under their wing.  This nurse is to help in any way she can, and would all but eliminate problems like what I had today.  My boss has already approached me for one of the positions.  It's a lateral "promotion", but it would allow me to become a certified Neuro nurse and exercise my leadership roles without actually being charge nurse.  Geez...I usually try to keep work out of my blog, but I just needed to get this out of my system.  I feel better.  And tired.

On the lighter side of life, I'm working on a baby blanket for Leslie, a girl at work who will be having a little girl soon!  It's a super soft and squooshy pink-and-purple boucle yarn.  If I have enough yarn leftover, I'll knit a little matching hat.  I'm still working on Scott and Donna's blanket as well.  I want to make some appliqued burp cloths for Leslie's babe as well, if I have the time.  This Mama Makes Stuff has a great tutorial on how to dye and make them.  Also, I want to try my hand at converting vintage t-shirts into baby sleepers, also a tutorial from This Mama Makes Stuff.  Or was it Little Birdie Secrets?  I don't remember...I look at both of their blogs so often, sometimes their contents and ideas blur together in my brain.

Once we figure out how to upload pics from our camera to the Mac (I think we just have to use a USB cable rather than inserting our memory card), I have some pics to post on here.  But for now I'm going to do some work on Trav's blog, then shower and sit in the recliner with a cup of Sleepytime laced with honey and a hot pack to my aching shoulder.  Hmmmmm...that sounds so  good!

Sick again...

Well, I am not sick, but Gavin is.  My tonsils have been swollen and looking like I was trying to get tonsillitis (inflamed, red, pus...yuck), but I'm doing much better now.  Gavin, on the other hand, has a rotavirus.  Nice.  We just finally were well enough to go to church, thoroughly enjoyed Sunday's services, and now we have another sick kid.  Why is it that every time we go to church, someone gets sick?  Anyhoo, poor little dude has been so puny, I spent most of my night being vomited on or cleaning up vomit.  I got about two hours of sleep all together, then spent the morning from about 6am cleaning up the aftermath, doing load after load of laundry, and trying desperately to suck down a couple of cups of coffee.  Today I cleaned everything and whipped out the Purell, hoping that the rest of the family can avoid getting sick.  Incubation period after infection is about two days for rotavirus, so there's a good chance one of us is already infected and we don't even know it!  Anyway, I'm hoping to get a decent night's sleep tonight in my own bed (instead of the recliner...if I layed Gavin down, he vomited), without being covered in puke.  On the bright side, at least I didn't have a chance to procrastinate doing the laundry...

Ideas...

* An adjustable maternity support belt that is pretty and can hold a hot pack to your back.

* Birth is power with peace, strength with surrender...

* Words that come to mind when I think of labor and birth (things I repeated to myself over and over and over again...):  open...breathe...relax...calm...peace...strength...sway...

I'm getting some thoughts together for some ideas that I've got rambling around in my head, if I ever get to them.  I just wanted to jot these things down so I wouldn't forget.  If anyone has any suggestions for words that you think of when you think of birth, feel free to share!

Travis is blogging!

Trav has been poking fun at me for the last year for my activity online, my forums and blogging.  Now guess who's hooked!!  Bwahahahaha!!!  He's all over his favorite forums and has not one but TWO blogs that I set up for him.  I have told him several times in the past that I love my blog, not because people actually read it, but because it's a way to get my thoughts out in print so I can rest my brain.  When I have insomnia because my thoughts are racing, I blog.  When I have a good idea or I'm excited about something, I blog.  When I'm happy or sad about something, I blog.  It's such a good way to keep a journal, while keeping family members apprised of your life goings-on, and is WAY faster to type than to write, or for me it is anyway.  I took a typing test the other day and I type about 60 words per minute with good accuracy!  Woohoo, I've still got it!!  I  took typing in 9th grade and I am still a little bit good at it!