Saturday, April 25, 2009

Again delayed..., that is.  Due to family events going on in August, I couldn't make it for Frontier Bound, the 3-4 day orientation required by the school.  I can't very well miss weddings!!  So, I'm putting it off one more semester.  But come what may, I'm going to have my application in for August so I can start the winter term.  I'm DYING to be a midwife.  It consumes me.  I think about it every day.  I look up houses in the area where we plan on settling down and think about how it would be converted into a birthing home.  Of course, that's a LONG way away, but a girl can dream, can't she?  I am finding sources for herbs and supplies, and collecting books for my borrowing library.  I know exactly what I want, I just have to get there!!  Another thing I thought of...I would like to have one or two La Bassine pools of my own so mommas who couldn't afford to rent one or buy one would still be able to have a home water birth.  If someone can afford it, I'd "rent" it out for about $40 ($25 for the throw-away liner and $15 for wear-and-tear) or so.  The thing that made me think of that was my best friend.  She and her husband are missionaries, and they're living on a shoestring budget.  Their midwife didn't charge much for her services (I guess it was considered a charitable donation to let most of the fees slide), but she still couldn't afford a pool.  In the end, they ended up with a little extra cash and rented one.  But I would love to be able to offer that to my mommas so they have one less thing to worry about.  Kneelingwoman has been talking about things that interest me in her blog.  About doing what you love, and not necessarily for monetary gain.  I would love to offer my services as a midwife without charging a nickel, but I simply couldn't live.  However, I would love to offer my services at either a nominal fee or no fee at all for women who can't afford a midwife.  I'd love to tell them that I'd be honored to attend them during their pregnancy and subsequent birth for nothing, and see the look of relief on their face.  My best friend, LoLo and myself have a dream of me being a midwife and her being a doula and the two of us working together as a homebirth/birthing home team.  How cool would THAT be?!?  I seriously could not imagine a better situation.  Now, I will be shocked if that actually happens.  They are missionaries, as I mentioned before.  So they'd have to come off the field and move to Michigan for my dream to come true.  Well, stranger things have happened.

So, I've had a bit of a dilemma lately.  I find myself becoming more...uh..."crunchy" as time goes by.  I hesitate to even use that word, but I can't think of any other word at the moment.  Kinda' hippie-ish.  I've always have "hippie tendencies", according to my friends and family, but it took me a long time to come into my own.  I grew up as a pastor's child with all of the pressures that come with it, then going through my parents' divorce, both of them re-marrying, etc.  During this time I went from the "innocent pastor's kid" to a rebel, then from a rebel to a repentant "super-Christian".  I look back at myself then and shake my head.  I was so wrong about so many things.  I suppose being over-zealous is better than being a heathen, but I digress.  So, in the last 6-7 years, I've learned a lot about life.  I got married, left my parents' house, and had to start making important decisions with my husband rather than having them made for me.  Instead of just taking things as they were told to me, I began to THINK.  Things that I had been told I began to STUDY to see whether these things were so, rather than just take someone's word for it.  And the more that I study, the more that I see that we Baptists are just as traditional as Catholics when it comes to...well...traditions.  And that's what they are.  They're not doctrines, although they are treated as such.  I said all of that to say this:  I am not the person I used to be.  And I hope to continue to grow, to continue to find a balance.  The dilemma is, strangely, this blog.  I have several friends that I could share this blog with, but I think they would think that I'm a total heathen.  I think their opinions of me would change.  As it is, our life's situation is "un-Biblical", in that my husband stays home and I work at the moment.  Well, debt is un-Biblical, too!  The Bible tells us to owe no man.  So what is worse, me working to get debt paid off (because I make substantially more than Trav), or going bankrupt and not paying people back the money that we owe them?  Also, my hippie tendencies will probably make them think that I've gone off the deep end.  They'll think I've gone all new age on them, and that I'm probably not even saved.  *sigh*  Maybe I'm totally off-base.  But I know how our crew is.  I used to be that way.  I still desire nothing more than a close walk with my Lord.  I read my Bible, pray, and go to church.  I attend extra meetings when I can.  I pray with my kids, and for my kids.  I pray for guidance in our decision-making.  I'm not a heathen.  I'm just different now.  I'm not "backslidden".  And part of my learnings over the years has shown me that I shouldn't care what people think of me.  I am who I am.  But the hard part is that I've known these people for years, and what they think DOES matter to me!  Since I've been on the other side, I know that they'll just shake their heads and say that I'm backslidden, and that I don't even see it because my eyes are blinded.  But the sad thing is that it's exactly opposite.  How many times was I wrong in judging someone's spiritual situation by their life's circumstances?  How often did I take a holier-than-thou attitude without even realizing that's what I was doing?  Well, I am who I am.  I'm going to share my blog.  Let people think what they will.  The BIBLE is the source of fellowship with God, and the FINAL WORD on how we are to live our lives, not the teachings of men.  I'm happy with me, the way that I am.  My husband is happy with me and the way that I am.  My kids love me and are well cared-for.  Could I really ask for more?

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