Friday, June 19, 2009

Miscarrying sucks.

Well, the afore-mentioned spotting finally turned to bleeding, then to horrendous cramping.  Like menstrual cramping times ten.  Like early labor, except without a break between contractions.  I took a hot shower which helped for a while, and now I'm sitting up on the computer in the wee hours of the morning, as I can't sleep due to the pain.  I still have a little while to go, too, as best as I can figure.  Well, this is how I look at it.  I'm truly amazed that we were created in such a way that our bodies can see what technology can't and know that there's a problem bad enough that the baby wouldn't survive anyway.  I'm thankful that my body is doing this on its own and without the "help" of a D&C (at least it is as of now).  I'm relieved that the wondering is over, that now I can grieve and move on instead of wondering from hour to hour if the baby is still with us.  I had a weird vibe about this pregnancy from the beginning...I didn't want to tell anyone, and there are still several people (as in close people...family) who don't know about this pregnancy.  I had bad cramping and spotting in the beginning.  I just always felt a feeling of doom, and kept wondering if that was a sign that I would miscarry.  I had a few dreams that I miscarried.  I guess my heart knew before I did.  Trav and I are unsure as to where this leaves us.  We're thinking that we might actually try (on purpose!) after I'm healed and start cycling again, but then at the same time I wonder if we shouldn't wait a little while.  I don't know.  I guess we'll figure that one out later.  In the meantime, I am finding comfort in my two beautiful, healthy boys and my sweet husband, who has been so good throughout this whole ordeal.  And I wonder if the timing of this has anything to do with my moon cycle, as the phase is currently the waning crescent?

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Update:  I stopped cramping at about 7:30 this morning.  When I got up at 8 am and used the bathroom, I actually felt a little urge to push.  I did, and with that, little Tadpole was born.  It was an intact piece of tissue about half the size of a large banana.  I could see a protrusion on it the size of a large marble.  Being the weirdo that I am, I ruptured the sac to see the baby.  When I ruptured it, blood rushed out, so I guess that might have been part of the problem.  The little critter looked just like they do in those pregnancy development books!  It is white and clear, kinda looks like a tadpole just shy of an inch long.  I could see little eyes and a little cord.  It's amazing that something that small and undeveloped actually had a heartbeat a couple of days ago!  All in all, I feel pretty good.  I had a little cry earlier on, and I'm sure I'll have a few more, but I feel...peaceful.  I'm not looking forward to telling people at work, because I'm sure it'll take at least a week for it to get around the grapevine, an inevitably someone will approach me and call me preggo and I'll have to tell them that I miscarried.  I'm to the stage now that I'm wondering why it happened.  I know there doesn't have to necessarily be a "reason" this early on, but I'm just hoping that it doesn't happen again next time.  Well, we shall see.

3 comments:

AtYourCervix said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry! I would give you a big hug right now if I could! (((((hugs)))))

Bonnie said...

Oh Jess, I'm so sad for you! I am glad you feel a measure of peace about it. That's got to help as you work through your grief. It's still tough, though....

Fakey said...

I'm so sorry to hear this Jess! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. It's good to hear that you've found some peace through it though. I'm here if you need anything. (p.s. you never check IAP! lol)

-Erica