Miscarrying sucks.

Well, the afore-mentioned spotting finally turned to bleeding, then to horrendous cramping.  Like menstrual cramping times ten.  Like early labor, except without a break between contractions.  I took a hot shower which helped for a while, and now I'm sitting up on the computer in the wee hours of the morning, as I can't sleep due to the pain.  I still have a little while to go, too, as best as I can figure.  Well, this is how I look at it.  I'm truly amazed that we were created in such a way that our bodies can see what technology can't and know that there's a problem bad enough that the baby wouldn't survive anyway.  I'm thankful that my body is doing this on its own and without the "help" of a D&C (at least it is as of now).  I'm relieved that the wondering is over, that now I can grieve and move on instead of wondering from hour to hour if the baby is still with us.  I had a weird vibe about this pregnancy from the beginning...I didn't want to tell anyone, and there are still several people (as in close people...family) who don't know about this pregnancy.  I had bad cramping and spotting in the beginning.  I just always felt a feeling of doom, and kept wondering if that was a sign that I would miscarry.  I had a few dreams that I miscarried.  I guess my heart knew before I did.  Trav and I are unsure as to where this leaves us.  We're thinking that we might actually try (on purpose!) after I'm healed and start cycling again, but then at the same time I wonder if we shouldn't wait a little while.  I don't know.  I guess we'll figure that one out later.  In the meantime, I am finding comfort in my two beautiful, healthy boys and my sweet husband, who has been so good throughout this whole ordeal.  And I wonder if the timing of this has anything to do with my moon cycle, as the phase is currently the waning crescent?

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Update:  I stopped cramping at about 7:30 this morning.  When I got up at 8 am and used the bathroom, I actually felt a little urge to push.  I did, and with that, little Tadpole was born.  It was an intact piece of tissue about half the size of a large banana.  I could see a protrusion on it the size of a large marble.  Being the weirdo that I am, I ruptured the sac to see the baby.  When I ruptured it, blood rushed out, so I guess that might have been part of the problem.  The little critter looked just like they do in those pregnancy development books!  It is white and clear, kinda looks like a tadpole just shy of an inch long.  I could see little eyes and a little cord.  It's amazing that something that small and undeveloped actually had a heartbeat a couple of days ago!  All in all, I feel pretty good.  I had a little cry earlier on, and I'm sure I'll have a few more, but I feel...peaceful.  I'm not looking forward to telling people at work, because I'm sure it'll take at least a week for it to get around the grapevine, an inevitably someone will approach me and call me preggo and I'll have to tell them that I miscarried.  I'm to the stage now that I'm wondering why it happened.  I know there doesn't have to necessarily be a "reason" this early on, but I'm just hoping that it doesn't happen again next time.  Well, we shall see.